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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28837425">We were built to fall apart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikasaessucasaa/pseuds/Mikasaessucasaa'>Mikasaessucasaa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Game of Thrones (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bisexual Jon Snow, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, One sided robb x jon, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, one sided robb x theon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:47:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,499</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28837425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikasaessucasaa/pseuds/Mikasaessucasaa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a bender, Sansa gets cut off by her parents and is forced to live with her brother’s best friend Jon Snow</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jon Snow/Sansa Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>90</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>We were built to fall apart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Sansa and Jon are not alright, but they’re learning. I'm not a medical professional so please forgive any inaccuracies, and please take tags seriously. Suicide hotline +18002738255</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sansa stares out the window as they wind down a quiet dirt road and pull up to a small two story house surrounded by the woods. She would have found it quaint when she was younger but now she hates it. She wants to go back to Winterfell, to all the things that remind her of Theon, of home. Then she remembers she will never see Theon again, and she wonders if Winterfell is still her home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb gets out of the car and grabs her things in the trunk. She wonders how long she can stay in the car before being dragged out and trapped here in the middle of nowhere. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's not the middle of nowhere Sans,” Robb had told her. “There's a small town just five miles away. Just a 10 minute car drive.” But at least an hour and a half walk away, so she can’t escape without effort.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn't mind the woods and the wildness of it; she got used and damaged enough by King’s Landing to not crave city life. But she wants to go back to Winterfell, back to her vices. She doesn't want to be here with this stranger that Robb promises will be good for her. Her family was always making promises, always breaking promises.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It won't be forever Sans, just for a little bit, I promise,” Rob said. She doesn't believe the promises anymore. Either way they're isolating her, trying to get her away from the spotlight during their father’s reelection campaign, but it doesn't matter. It's better than going to a 24/7 rehab facility. Robb supposedly trusts this man with his life, so of course he'd trust her life with him as well. Sansa doesn't think her life weighs quite the same as Robb’s though. She can't trust anyone with her life, not even herself it seems.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb pulls open the car door for her, so she has no choice but to exit the car and walk with him to the front of the house. There’s barking behind the door, and it swings open before Robb even gets a chance to knock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A large white dog nearly tackles Robb into the ground, but Robb was prepared. “Ghost! So good to see you,” Robb says to the dog. If Sansa was being honest to herself, which is rarely, she accepted staying with Robb’s friend over being admitted partially because he has a dog. Sansa loves dogs, even though everyone she's ever dated hated them. Most rehab facilities definitely would not have dogs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A wild looking man, that reminds her so much of her father, stares at Robb and Ghost amusedly from the front porch of the house. His mane and beard look unkempt but his eyes are steady, calm pools of grey. She hates them already. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She loves her dad, but they never understood each other. She feels he never tried to understand her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Theon used to joke and say that they got along so well because they both had Daddy issues. She tries not to blame her dad for the mess her life is. She's here today because of the poor choices she's made after all; she has enough self-awareness to know that at least. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then she tries not to remember that Theon and her will never joke again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After getting Ghost to settle down, Robb introduces her friend to Sansa. “This is Jon Snow. We served together,” Robb says, as if he had not already explained this to her before. She lets him repeat himself; she thinks it makes him feel better to remind her of things that she already knows, makes him feel useful. “And this is my sister Sansa.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had enough years of etiquette training to know that this is when she reaches out her hand and shakes his, even though she doesn't really want to be touched right now. He gives her a firm shake back, strong and steady. She hates everything about it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon gives them a quick tour of the house. It seems even smaller inside than outside with only two bedrooms and one bath. Years ago, she doesn’t know how she would have been able to survive sharing a bathroom with anyone. Now she doesn’t care. They settle her in the empty room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb and Jon quietly discuss her medical history and her medical plan, as if she's not in the room. It doesn't matter though, she can't be bothered to pay attention to what they're saying. She’s already done this before and knows the drill. She can't be bothered to care about anything right now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally, when the sun slowly starts creeping down, Robb is forced to head back down to Winterfell even though he's not yet assuaged his anxiety about leaving Sansa behind. She doesn't remind him he's left her behind before because it didn't go well when he did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb gives her a hug and she stays her hands even though she wants to push him away. She doesn't feel comfortable in her own skin, and people touching her makes her skin crawl. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb gives her a kiss on her forehead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Be good Sans,” he whispers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wants to tell him she's been good before, and it didn't work out how her family expected. Instead she just nods and watches as his car drives off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon makes dinner and tries to make small talk. He's handsome and shy, and she would have found it endearing a couple of years ago. She still finds him handsome objectively, but she doesn't feel a pull towards him. She's empty and is craving a high that she can't get, and no level of attraction is going to satisfy her need. She nods when she thinks she needs to nod, but she knows he can see her emptiness. She’s thankful he doesn't push it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night is a bad night for her. She shakes and shivers and vomits through the night. He's kind enough to hold her hair back and check her pulse throughout the process, though she wonders if it's partially because it's part of his job and partially because he's Robb’s best friend. It's a wonder she never met him before this, but she's not surprised either. Her life was too much of a nightmare to notice anyone else in the periphery, and now it's too much of a mess to ignore him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn't apologize for that night. She can barely breathe between the heaving and huffing into the toilet, let alone apologize. He really is amazing to deal with this on the first night of knowing her, but he must be used to it, with the clinic that he runs. He probably thinks of her as just another drugged up patient, even though she's his best friend’s little sister. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She grew up being told she was special, but she doesn't feel so special puking into this stranger’s toilet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’s tempted to spend the whole night by his toilet, even though that means that he won't have access to it through the night, but he somehow helps her to her bedroom when her body calms down, and she stops thinking that she's dying. But she is dying isn't she? Or did she die when Theon died?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He helps her get dressed into sleeping clothes, and gods, Robb must have saved his life for him to help her like this. She's not attracted to him, but she knows she should be. It's been barely six hours and she knows he’s the kind of person people can't help falling in love with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He watches her as she whimpers in bed, until she's able to fall asleep restlessly through the night. He makes sure that she falls asleep on her side, with a pillow behind her so she doesn't roll on her back and aspirate in her sleep. She knows to do these things too, but her body rebels in listening to what her mind knows to be right. Her body always rebels. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stays through the night and sleeps in a chair to make sure she’s okay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day both of their bodies are aching. He lets her take a shower first, and she’s sure she uses up all the hot water, but he doesn't make a comment after his 5 minute cold water. She tries to apologize but he just says, “Don’t worry about it. I'm used to it from being a ranger.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nods dumbly, and they head off to his clinic. He  introduces her to his coworkers and one of the male nurses goes through her intake form. He has a plain looking face that brightens when he smiles kindly at her. She can easily guess that he’s also a veteran, as most of the practitioners at the clinic are. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Sansa, my name is Edd Tollet, and I just have some basic questions for you before we get started today,” he says with a soft, even voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nods, and he begins his questions. They go over the basics, what was her primary drug of use? OxyContin. Did she have a secondary drug? Alcohol. For how long? Two years. Last dose? Day before yesterday. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They go over her withdrawal symptoms. They’re not so bad, as far as withdrawals go.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then Edd leaves the room and brings in their clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Brienne Tarth. She's a bit awkward, but she radiates the same warmth as Edd. They start talking about her moods and how she's feeling. Sansa knows she should tell the truth, but she can't help but lie through her answers. They would never let her stay with Jon if she answered truthfully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This last week, have you had thoughts about hurting or killing yourself?” Dr. Brienne asks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She swallows thickly and pushes down the uncomfortable feeling sitting in her heart. She hopes that Dr. Brienne doesn't notice her hesitation. “No.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman nods, and she can see that Dr. Brienne knows she's lying. She goes on with her questions anyways. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brienne accosts Jon as soon as she steps out of the exam room with Sansa. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Snow, can I speak with you for a moment?” Brienne asks as they step into a different private room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don't think she should be staying with you. She wasn't telling the whole truth during the examination. If what you told me about her recent history is to be believed, she’s dealing with serious psychological trauma on top of a long-term addiction. She'll need constant monitoring. She should be admitted to an inpatient facility.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon shakes his head. “She won't give medical consent to treatment unless we do it this way. It's fine. I've got it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite his assurances, she gives him a concerned look. “This is a lot to commit for a complete stranger Jon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She's not a stranger, Brienne. She’s Robb’s little sister. I have to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then that presents an even bigger problem. Are you sure you can be objective about her treatment?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon sighs. He understands where she's coming from. The ethics of it all is complicated, but he needs to do this for Robb. “I'll leave all the medical decisions to you and Dr. Seaworth. I'm just the support system,” he says, even though he wants to be more closely involved.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gives him a look as if she doesn't believe him. He's easy to read, he knows, but still she says nothing about it.  “You'll tell us if it ever gets too much won't you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nods before stepping out of the room to find Sansa. Davos is just stepping out of her room now and nods to Jon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'll be back in a bit to discuss her treatment with her,” Davos says on his way out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon knocks and steps into the room with her response.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you think?” he asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everyone has been nice so far,” she answers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Seaworth is going to be managing your care and Dr. Tarth is going to be managing your counseling. Do you want me to be in the room when they discuss your treatment plan?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gives a small nod, but hesitates. “You don't have to be if you're busy,” she says. “I've been through this before, I know how it goes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb told him, but it makes him even more nervous that her last stint in rehab didn't work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's okay, I have time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He goes to sit on a stool by the exam bed by Sansa.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon is kind and extremely attentive. She should appreciate it, but the fact that she hasn't confirmed his intentions makes her nervous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you doing this?” Sansa asks finally. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turns on his stool to look up at her on the exam table. “What do you mean?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don't even know me,” she answers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon shrugs. “You're Robb’s little sister.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure, but what's your relationship with him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s my best mate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is a lot to ask for, even for a best mate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He's the first home I ever found.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gets it, really. Robb can make anyone feel at home. He's always been good at that. He used to make her feel at home too; she never felt like she belonged in Winterfell even when she wasn't at odds with their father, but she felt good when he was around. Then he went off to war, and there was no home to be found for her.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you love him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“More than a friend?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pauses, and Sansa watches him carefully. He swallows before answering. “I don't… no.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gives him a confused look at the word play and he reiterates, “No, I don't love him more than a friend.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wants to call out his lie. When it comes to liars, she knows the best of them, and he's hardly any good. But she knows better than to push the issue. She recognizes that Jon is doing a lot for her. The truth won't do anyone any good, so she keeps it to herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Seaworth enters the room and tells her that they're going to start her on methadone and behavioral therapy. They discuss her dosing schedule and her group and solo therapy sessions for a 90 day program. It's a packed day, but it runs in parallel with Jon’s schedule so they can come and leave together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She takes her first dose, and it doesn't give her any satisfaction. It was expected, but she's still disappointed. She goes through her therapy sessions as if her mind has left her body and is watching herself go through the motions. Most of the people in the clinic are veterans and their stories would have been interesting if she could just focus. Maybe at the end of it all she'll be able to focus.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon takes them grocery shopping at the end of the day so she can pick out food she wants to eat. The problem is that she doesn’t really ever want to eat food. If he notices, he doesn't say anything, and instead picks out food he thinks she'll like and gets her confirmation before adding it into the cart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ride back home is quiet, and she thinks she's made him uncomfortable during their talk in the clinic today. She should have waited before bringing it up. She wonders if he'll get upset and send her back to Robb. She hasn't known him that long, but she doesn't think he will. She's glad for it. She doesn't want Robb to see her fall apart even more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night is better than the previous night. The methadone has calmed her nausea and shivering, but she's still sweating through her thin clothes. Jon wants to give her different clothes to wear because he can see right through her shirt. He hates himself for noticing how beautiful she is and reacting to her physically, even as her body rejects itself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He should have known she was beautiful. Robb is extremely handsome. Still, he couldn't help the initial shock at actually seeing her and spending time with her. Even the vomit and sweat couldn't stop him from being attracted to her. He was glad for the cold shower that morning. He can try to blame it on the fact it's been so long since he's truly been around a woman, but his own behavior disgusts him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling?” he asks as he tucks her into bed and wipes the sweat on her forehead with a cold hand towel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Better than last night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hums in acknowledgement. “Do you want me to stay with you still?” He’s right next door, and the walls are thin enough that he'll wake easily with any commotion, but he still wants to ask.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If it's not too much trouble, please.” It is a pain to sleep on the chair. His body will creak and groan tomorrow for it, but he's happy to be wanted and needed by someone so beautiful. He curses himself for it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They fall into an easy routine, or as easy as it can be for a doctor living with someone with an opioid addiction and physical dependence. She’s tolerating the methadone well, and he’s already feeling positive about her progress. The better that she does on her treatment, the more he feels like the real Sansa is coming out. The Sansa that Robb used to tell him about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have two brothers and two sisters,” Robb had said. They had been eating a meal in the barracks during their training and had been talking about each other's family. “My brothers, Bran and Rickon, and my youngest sister, Arya, are all terrors, but Sansa was always such a sweet kid growing up, at least to my parents.” He laughed at this part. “They didn't know that she could also be a terror in her own way, especially with how much they spoiled her. I was always her favorite cause I would always play the knight to her princess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You're everyone’s knight, Robb,” Jon interrupted, trying to keep his tone casual. Even though they had only recently met through training, Robb was a knight to Jon as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed. “Yeah, but it's different when it's your little sister looking to you to be rescued. I always tried, but I think she was always going to be at odds with our dad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How come?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dad was always preferential towards Arya, because she reminded him of his younger sister who passed away when they were kids. But Arya and Sansa have always been night and day. I just don't think my dad knew how to deal with Sansa’s version of stubbornness. And Mom didn't really know how to mitigate between them.” Robb looked lost in thought. “I think everyone always worried that Sansa was too in her head sometimes and would get into trouble. I worry about her a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's strange to think, but Jon’s glad to ease Robb's burdens and help him worry less about Sansa. But even with the whole situation, Sansa somehow makes it easy for Jon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She's very easy to live with. She helps out in the kitchen and she tidies up after herself. They don't really know what to say to each other, but Jon doesn't mind the silence. Still, it's easy to get bored with just the two of them, so he's started taking her to the library to pick up books to read at night before bed. He doesn't have a TV, but he's offered to get one for her. It’ll be a long three months after all. But she prefers to read rather than watch shows. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She devours her books so fast, they have to make multiple trips a week to the library. He has an irrational fear that she might devour all of the books in Castle Black before her program ends, and then he won't know what to do with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t possibly be able to read all of those books in one week,” he says to her as they check out at least twenty books between the two of them. There’s only one or two for Jon, and the rest are for Sansa. “Are you just skimming them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gives a small tilt of her mouth, not really a smile, but something. “Sometimes. Sometimes it’s pretty obvious to know what the scene looks like so I just skim through it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s the point then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes there’s parts of the story that just make me feel, and I sit in that moment, rereading it over and over again, to feel that feeling.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa’s quiet and lacks expression those first couple of weeks with Jon, and her statement worries him. He’s never needed a book to feel anything. Sometimes he thinks he feels too much - anger, hurt, disappointment, shame, grief, but he doesn’t know how it is to feel nothing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually Jon realizes that Sansa isn't as used to silence as he is, and he thinks perhaps she is merely craving companionship, so he tries to engage her during dinner on the books she had read the night before. He finds out that Sansa will read anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You're reading cookbooks?” he asks one evening. “Aren't they more meant to be reference books?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes, but a lot of them are very educational. They'll teach you how to gut a fish or debone a whole chicken.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah? So can you debone a whole chicken?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa laughs quietly and the sound tingles warmly in his ears. It’s the first time he’s heard her laugh since she came to stay with him. “In theory. Do you want to try?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's not sure if he should be giving her a knife, but he returns a smile to her anyways. “Sure, we can give it a try. I used to go hunting back when I was in the Night’s Watch. I'm sure it's not that different. What should we cook with a whole deboned chicken?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa shrugs. “Maybe a chicken pesto pasta? I saw a recipe for that the other day. How about tomorrow?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's a date.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He notices the blush on her face, but he tries his damnedest not to think too hard on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Deboning a chicken turns out to be Sansa giving him verbal instructions on how to do it, and Jon trying to interpret the whole process without seeing the pictures, which means they end up with a lot of meat left on the bones. They laugh at their failed butchering. Jon has a passing thought that it would have been nice to have the dinner that they worked so hard on with a glass of red wine. He quickly realizes he’ll never have that dinner with Sansa because she’s an addict. It’s not an uncommon thought to have with the types of friends from the Night’s Watch that he has, but he wishes it weren’t true all the same. Not because he judges or resents her for being an addict, but because he wishes no hardship on Sansa.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon later finds out that Sansa’s favorite books are trashy romance stories. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don't get it,” he says as they're sitting on the couch, reading their respective books. “The plot line is always the same. Hot and handsome man with a bad personality meets beautiful but plain woman. They have raunchy sex, and live happily ever after. What's there to like about it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa shoves him playfully. He’s noticed she's been more open to touching him recently than before. “It's not just that!” she retorts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then tell me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well personally, I hate surprises. I like knowing the end of the book before I read it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hasn't anyone ever told you that it's about the journey and not the destination?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa shrugs. “Sure, but it's still nice to know where you're going.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There's something there about how badly she must want to know where her life was going, but he's not a psychiatrist and he's scared to press her. He's scared to break this fragile peace that they've found with each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. What else?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I think the best part of books is the buildup, and trashy romance novels have mastered the art of unresolved sexual tension and climax, pun intended.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon laughs. “And you like that do you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiles broadly at him. “Who doesn’t?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They smile and joke a lot more now. Sometimes she'll put her feet on his legs as she stretches out over the couch and he puts his feet up on the coffee table. Ghost will be sitting by the fireplace, and they'll read until it gets late. It's cozy, like they were really good friends, and didn't just meet weeks ago because Sansa had a bender and had to go to rehab.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Being with Jon is easy. He’s calm and collected and has a plan. Sansa never has a plan, never really needed one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s also easy to touch him, and gods she never knew how badly she wanted to touch and be touched but she knows it now. She finds all kinds of ways to touch him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They touch when they go grocery shopping or go to the library. Sansa comes up to him, always wanting to show him something, be it something new to try or something new to read. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She taps him on the shoulder in the freezer aisle and shows him a big back of frozen chicken. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Should we grab a bag of frozen orange chicken?” she asks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gives her a funny face, and she wants to scrunch it up more and give him a big kiss, before she blinks the thought away. She shouldn’t be thinking like that. He’s her caretaker and friend and nothing more. She promised she would be good to Robb.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know that’s all artificial flavoring and a lot of preservatives right?” he asks back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa rolls her eyes. Jon likes going to the farmers market and getting fresh produce. Sansa used to live on premade frozen dinners. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come on, one meal of junk isn’t going to ruin your six pack.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He raises an eyebrow. “How do you know I have a six pack?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knows because she’s seen him come out of the shower with only his sweatpants before he heads over to his room to put on a shirt, and she stared really intently at the well defined lines of his torso and followed them down, until they dipped low below the bands of his sweatpants. She’s not going to admit that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead she shoves him playfully and says, “You must for all of the healthy shit that you eat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well if that’s all it takes, then you should have one too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do, want to see?” she lies. She starts lifting up her shirt slightly as if to show. He’s so scandalized he grunts and turns away, muttering about how they needed to get out of there to get dinner started. She laughs and follows him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They touch when they’re cooking dinner that night. He’s chopping up the chicken and she’s chopping up the vegetables for a stir fry. Of course Jon chooses to make a difficult chicken dish instead of just heating up something pre-made. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’re bumping into each other’s shoulders. Jon’s glaring at her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, would you stop that? We have knives in our hands, what if I bump you and you actually chop off one of your fingers,” he scolds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She smiles at him. “Well good thing you’re a doctor and can stitch my finger back onto my hand if needed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not that kind of doctor Sansa.” Jon flinches as soon as the words leave his mouth. No, he’s not that kind of doctor. Instead he’s the kind of doctor that treats drug addicts like her. He’s not her doctor, but she’s not really sure what he is to her either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jon?” she asks quietly. He looks up from his cutting board and hums in acknowledgement. “Are we friends?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gives a small smile that crinkles more at his eyes than around his mouth. “Yeah, I’d like for us to be friends.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you friends with all of your patients?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The smile fades slightly from his face. “You’re not my patient Sansa.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shakes her head. “Fine, but are you friends with all of the people you help through rehab outside of your patients?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon ponders for a moment. “I guess so? I mean it’s usually people that I knew through the Night’s Watch.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hopes she hid her flinch well. Jon treats everyone he helps like this. Sansa was nothing special. The thought eats her up inside more than it should.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thought eats her up even as they’re touching after dinner on his couch. Jon decided to buy a TV last week so they could watch movies together, and they’ve taken to watching a movie every couple of days instead of reading. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’re sitting on the couch, with Sansa on one end and Jon on the other, sharing a thick blanket. He flips the TV on and is scrolling through movies they could rent. “What do you want to watch tonight?” he asks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m feeling Disney.” Her eyes track across the list of titles, until it spots something interesting. “Maybe Mulan?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon shrugs. “Sure, never seen it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa whirls on him and scoots closer. “You’ve never seen Mulan?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, wasn’t really into Disney princesses.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa scoffs. “Mulan is not a Disney princess. She’s a self-made hero.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you say so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you like this movie a lot?” Sansa nods her head aggressively, and Jon smiles brightly at her silliness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not as much as my sister, since she’s all about breaking gender stereotypes and all, but yeah I like it a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How come?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well without spoiling it too much, I like that it reflects my Mama’s family words.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon snorted. “Of course you have family words.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa scoots even closer to whack him playfully on the arm. He catches her arm easily, and she’s thrown off balance. He has to steady her with his other arm on her waist. Her breath catches in her throat. She’s looking at his lips, and she can barely tear her eyes away to search his eyes, not sure what she’s looking for. He’s too busy staring at her mouth to notice her searching. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon coughs, breaking the moment, and she leans back on the couch, bumping shoulders with him. “So what are your family words.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Family, duty, honor,” she whispers quietly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nods and turns on the movie, and they watch in relative silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t know how she maneuvered herself during the movie to press against his side, so that his arms are wrapped around her shoulder, but they don’t move even as the credits roll.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So how’d you like it?” Sansa says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s exactly what you said it was about.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa rolls her eyes. “But did you like it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nods curtly. “Yeah, I liked it a lot.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stay on the couch for a moment later before Jon says, “We should go to bed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wants to keep touching him even as they’re saying goodnight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A strange warm feeling washes over her, and at first she doesn’t know and doesn’t understand what it is. When she finally realizes what it is, the feeling goes away and is replaced with dread instead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was feeling content. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t like feeling content. It never sticks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She buries the thought to where it can’t hurt her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They never talk about her treatment, even though he told her she could always come to him if she had any questions. They don't talk about what happened before either. Jon thinks it's fine. He's there to be her friend and support her, not to be her psychiatrist. It's important to have boundaries. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still Jon notices that her treatment is working. Sansa slowly blooms after a couple weeks of treatment and healthy lifestyle. There’s color in her cheeks and she’s gained a little bit of weight that makes her so damn beautiful Jon keeps getting caught staring. She’s a good sport about it and just smiles at him when she catches him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>He's never felt lonely living by himself at the edge of Castle Black, but with Sansa he realizes, he's never felt fulfilled either. </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon decides to take her to a lake one weekend with Ghost. Jon knows Sansa’s been around nature all of her life, living in Winterfell, but this one takes her breath away. He's glad he thought to bring her here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's beautiful,” she says, but he doesn't really notice, he's too busy staring at her like a damn cliche.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he answers, swallowing thickly. “This lake is part of the reason why I moved out here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah? What are the other reasons?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In some ways, you never really leave the Night’s Watch, so the clinic's a good way for me to feel connected to it without feeling trapped by it. And then in some ways I didn't really have much to go home to in Winterfell.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s Robb.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thought is too painful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, there's always Robb.” Robb has always been his only home, but Jon would never be like that for him. Robb wasn't meant for the likes of him. Maybe Sansa wasn’t either, but he wasn’t here with Robb, he was here with Sansa, and gods it made all the difference. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They have a picnic and she laughs and screams with joy as she plays in the cool water with Ghost. He thinks he's never been happier than watching her in that moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could see her staying by the lake for the rest of their lives, and as if reading his mind, she vocalizes as much. The thought scares him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later that night, Sansa makes the first move and knocks on his door. She must know that he could never make the first move. His relationship with Robb and the fact that he's a doctor and her caretaker make it all so complicated. He can't untangle it all, so he does nothing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lets her in his room, making the second move. </span>
  <span>So much for boundaries.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm not Robb,” she says quietly as she steps into the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” he answers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s true that she reminds him so much of Robb. On her good days, a mellow happiness sits in his stomach when he spends time with her, and he sleeps easily, dreaming of red-headed princesses in their towers waiting to be rescued. On her great days, she’s Robb Stark reborn, her own knight in shining armor ready to slay the dragon. She’s thoughtful and kind, and so aware of him. She makes him think, </span>
  <em>
    <span>this is what it is like to be understood</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s breathtaking, just like how Robb used to take his breath away. But Sansa is not Robb, and will never be Robb. That night, in the soft glow of lamp light in his bedroom, he can see the clear differences between them. Her hair is lighter, and she freckles instead of tanning. And her blue eyes burn differently. Most of all, she doesn’t haunt him like Robb does, but maybe she too will one day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shouldn't be doing this. She's practically his patient. She might not be in her right mind and is potentially attracted to him because of her dependency on him. He knows it's wrong, but the part of him that should feel wrong about it is silent. He wants to touch her, talk to her, fuck her. He wants to connect with her in all the ways a person can connect with another person. He wants to love her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So he makes the third move and kisses her, and she kisses back. It's all slow and careful and tender, the sweetest kiss he's ever had. She’s the sweetest woman he's ever kissed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She lets out a sob into his mouth, and he pulls out of his reverie immediately and pulls away from her. She grabs his hand to keep him in her space.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What's wrong?” he asks softly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-I don't know,” she answers. “I just haven't felt anything in so long, not even when Theon died.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb had told him the gist about Theon- close family friend who got himself and Sansa into some bad shit. Jon didn't understand how deep it went when he first met Sansa because Robb didn't realize how deep it was. Now that he has an inkling of the depth of it, he worries he's staring into a pit of despair and wonders how he can ever hope to help Sansa climb out of it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I hold you?” he asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa doesn't hesitate to nod, and he wraps his arms around her loosely and pulls her to him. She nuzzles into his neck, and it feels so right. After standing like this for a couple of minutes, he walks them back to his bed and sits them down. He asks if it's okay, and she nods until they find themselves laying on the bed, holding onto each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He plays with a lock of her soft auburn hair as they lay in silence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Robb has a way of unintentionally making people fall in love with him,” she says finally.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grunts in response, but doesn't outwardly agree with her. He doesn't know if he's ever going to verbally admit it to her because he doesn't know if he's ever going to admit to himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Theon and I were like kindred spirits, the exact same type of broken spirits, unloved and unwanted.” Jon doesn't believe for a minute that Sansa was ever unloved or unwanted. But he understands her irrational fear; he sees it in himself often enough, so he says nothing. “Robb never really understood because everyone he loved, loved him back, and loved him the way that he wanted them to love him. Theon loved Robb so much. I think he latched onto me at first as a way to try to hurt Robb because he didn't know what to do with all that love, and it worked. But we got in too deep, and at some point there was no climbing out of the graves we dug.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In reality, there’s nothing for Jon to say, but still, he can’t help but ask, “Did you love Theon?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it would have been less tragic if we had just loved each other, but by the time we became dependent on each other, I couldn't love anyone anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There's a question he wants to ask. It's the same question that Robb feared so much that he sent his sister to Jon in desperation. But he's not ready to find out the answer. He doesn't know what happens next if he finds out the answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They decide to wait a couple of days until they decide to consummate whatever it is they’re feeling for each other.They spend days learning how to hold a soul in their hands and how to touch each other’s body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they finally crawl into each other, Jon is ablaze, and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt anything so warm and wonderful as holding her in his arms as she cries out his name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa’s treatment is working. She knows because she can feel her libido come back. She’s interested in sex for the first time in years, and she always wants to fuck Jon so bad it hurts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she can't take it anymore, she accosts him where he stands in the house, and they have frantic, sometimes awkward sex. They have quickly relearned how to be with someone, and Sansa can’t have enough. Soon they're fucking each other whenever and wherever they can, in the bathroom, the kitchen, in the living room. She wants him to fill her in every possible way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They start experimenting with breath play. She knows it makes Jon uncomfortable, but she trusts him with her life. They both enjoy more than they probably should. He probably worries it's all another addiction for her, and maybe it is. She gets a high off of their sex. She should feel terrible that she's using him like this, but it makes her feel so good. She used to want to crawl out of her skin, now she never wants to leave her body as long as he's in it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His touches make her frenetic. She can barely leave him alone. A part of her feels like dying even when he's near and not touching her. She touches herself to thoughts of him when he falls asleep and she can't shake her insomnia, even after they've fucked late into the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another part of her is dying when she has to go to the clinic and spend time apart from him. She imagines herself flying out of her body when she's forced to engage with other people. She can barely understand what people are saying if it isn't Jon talking to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One day she tries to convince him to fuck her in his car during their lunch break. He gives her such a panicked look, she knows she fucked up something, yet she still can't stop wanting him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Jon hated himself for wanting Sansa as soon as he saw her, he hates himself a hundred times more now. He should have been watching Sansa’s mood carefully all this time. He should have known better. She seemed so happy, and everything seemed to be going well, too well to be true. And he can admit to himself that the sex did blind him to the reality of things.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So he finds himself having to explain to Brienne in her office that, “I think Sansa’s been having a manic episode for the last couple of weeks now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How do you know Dr. Snow?” she asks, giving him her full attention.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't want to explain that he's been having nonstop sex with Sansa for three weeks now. He doesn't want her to know how much he enjoyed it to the point of being blind to all of the signs. He's incredibly embarrassed and ashamed, and worst of all he’s potentially put Sansa in a dangerous situation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sansa’s mood has been overwhelmingly positive and energetic, almost wild.” He pauses, gathering all of his courage to continue. “And she's been engaging in risky sexual behavior.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's awkward and uncomfortable, and she stares at him first in disbelief then in anger. There's no way for him to know Sansa’s been engaging in sex, unless he was engaging in sex with her. He flinches at her glare.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is highly inappropriate Dr. Snow,” she hisses through grit teeth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knows how inappropriate it is, and he hates himself for it. Still he tries to explain meekly, “She’s not my patient.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brienne slams her palm against the desk, causing him to startle. He knows he didn't say the right thing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Regardless if you are or aren't her doctor on paper, you participate in her care and rehabilitation, which means you had certain moral obligations to keep to her. Sleeping with her is not one of those. You should be ashamed of yourself Snow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am Brienne! I really am. I came to you because despite how ashamed I am, I am even more afraid for Sansa. I want to make it right,” he says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This seems to pacify her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What should we do about her medication? Should we start her on a benzodiazepine?” he asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shakes her head. “If you really want to do what's best for her, I think you should transfer her to Dr. Tarly’s clinic. They're better at managing dual diagnosis patients.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon frowns. “You exaggerate. We work with dual diagnosis patients all the time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, but you're not sleeping with them are you?” Jon flushes at the truth of it. “Look, Dr. Tarly is good. He'll give her the best chance. You know this. I've been telling you all this time that she needs to be admitted at an inpatient facility because of her severe depression. If you truly care about her, then you know you have to give her the care she needs.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brienne is right. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ready or not Jon needs to know the answer to the question he's been holding in since the first night Sansa made the first move. There's no moving forward unless he knows the answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you try to kill yourself that night when you found out about Theon?” he asks that night before dinner in the kitchen. Robb had told him about the car accident. She was high out of her mind, and her car wrapped around a pole. It was a miracle she got out of it unscathed. Robb knew he didn't have any more miracles in his life and begged Jon to help.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looks unblinking into his eyes and answers, “Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't want to ask the next question. He can already imagine the answer, and it tears him apart inside. “Do you still think about killing yourself?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His world shatters. He desperately wants to keep it together, but he knows they can't stay like this. Sansa can't stay in the woods with him anymore. No matter how much he loves her (and he does love her. He knows it's fast and he's not sure if he can entirely separate her from Robb, but he does love her. He knows it so deeply in his bones, he’ll never get her out of him, like he could never get Robb out) and no matter how much progress she's made, he can't help her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you make me leave?” she asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have to,” he answers. “You need help. And I will never forgive myself if I don't get you that help, and something happens to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will we survive this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't know. They have no plan. They've never talked about the future before. Would she go back to Winterfell while he stayed at Castle Black? They were not built for separation. He lies anyways, “Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn't let him lie this time. “You're a horrible liar Jon Snow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulls her into him, and she doesn't resist. “Am I?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The worst,” she mumbles into his neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you go willingly?” The only way for them to have a shot if she does. He's terrified of this answer the most. Perhaps she knows it because she holds her words for longer than a moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He kisses the crown of her head. “I love you, Sansa.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She doesn't respond, she never does. Does she not believe him? Does it matter if she doesn't if it's true?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He calls up Sam. Brienne is right, they’re the best in Westeros, and always have a waitlist. He calls in a favor Sam to get Sansa in. It's probably an abuse of power, but he knows he would do it over and over again if it meant keeping Sansa safe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He then calls Robb to tell him the change of plans. Robb's worried, as he should be, but he trusts Sansa with him. Jon wonders if he would still trust him if he found out that they were sleeping together. It seems even more wrong than cutting a waitlist, even though she's not his patient. It seems wrong that he fell in love with her while she was vulnerable. He shouldn't have taken advantage, but it doesn't feel like that to him. Despite everything, this is probably the healthiest relationship he's ever had with the clearest boundaries. What that says about his past relationships and his past self, he doesn't know. He wants what they have between them to work out regardless of how it started, but he doesn't know what she wants. Sansa rarely says anything remotely close to wanting. He hopes she does after she gets better.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb offers to come pick up Sansa and drive her down to the Citadel for her treatment. Jon tells him it's not a problem. He'll take her because he's been needing to meet up with Sam for a while now. It's a two day trip, and he wants to spend as much time with her before she goes away, maybe for good.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I never get better?” she asks as they near the Citadel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You will, Sam runs one of the best facilities in Westeros,” he answers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa shrugs. “Your facility was also supposed to be the best in Westeros.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s different.” Sansa knows this, but he continues anyway. “We handle drug abuse and rehabilitation back into society for veterans. Sam’s facility has a more holistic approach.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's not the answer she's looking for, so she finally asks the question she wanted to ask. “What happens afterwards?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you want, Sansa.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I don't want anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He pulls over to the side of the highway. He needs to look at her, to make her believe his words. “I'll respect your wishes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I end it all?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anything you want but that, Sansa. You can come back to me, or you can never see me again. I don't care, as long as you're okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don't want to suffer anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then don't. Live the life you want to be; be the person you want to be. Don't suffer anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa nods, and they sit in silence until they reach the facility. Sam greets them outside, and Jon helps her set up her room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's not good at saying goodbye, and truth be told he never ever wanted to say goodbye to her. He holds her tightly, and gives her a questioning look. She nods, and he takes it as an invitation to kiss her. It's their last kiss, and he wants to breathe her into him. He wants to memorize the feeling of it and never forget. She kisses back like she's thinking the same thing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they finally let go, they're both crying. It breaks his heart to leave, but she needs this, so he leaves and hopes for the best. He's never hoped for anything so much in his life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Five week into her second program, Sansa feels like she’s having a mental breakdown, but they tell her it's just part of grieving. Some days she can’t follow a line of thought, many days there’s not a single thought in her head. She feels empty and full and about to burst all at the same time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She misses Jon. She misses the way that he laughs when she’s grumpy and mumbling because she just doesn’t understand how he can be so chipper in the morning. She misses the way that his beard scratched her in all of the best places. She misses the way that he held her close every night, even though he couldn’t have possibly known that she would have to depart so soon. Most of all she misses how much he loved her. No one’s ever loved her the way that Jon loved her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They're pushier here than at Jon’s facility. They want her to confront her past demons. She hates it because she has no real demons. She’s just a sad, unloved woman who fell into addiction. But she broke all the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You fucking asshole! How could you just leave me behind? Take me with you gods dammit!” she screams at no one, she screams at Theon. They let her scream and cry into the empty garden. It was part of the grieving process they said. She wants to fuck it all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb pays her a visit after hearing how hard of a time she was having from her doctors. They sit stiffly awkwardly in front of each other. Robb’s worried to death, but all Sansa feels is anger and betrayal. She can’t stop thinking about Theon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you know Theon loved you?” she asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you just used him-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's not like that-” Robb tries to interrupt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she doesn't let him, “-like you used Jon. You just use everyone who loves you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never used you!” Robb explodes, neither confirming nor denying her accusations of using Theon or Jon. “Gods dammit. I never used you Sansa, and you know it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It shouldn't be enough, but it's enough to push her off the edge. “Why doesn't Dad love me?” She doesn’t know why she starts crying, but somehow it all leads back to her father.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She's flittering between trains of thought and Robb can barely follow. “Oh Sansa, he does.” Sansa shakes her head. “He does. He just doesn't understand you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No one understands me, she wants to say, but it would be a lie. There was someone who understood her, but let her go still. So she says nothing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Robb goes to her to hold her. She hasn't been held since Jon, and she revels in it. She never thought she would enjoy another person's comforts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He'll never understand me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There's no way anyone can know all of you. It's just not possible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But he doesn't know me at all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He's trying. We’re all trying Sansa. You just have to let us in, and have to be okay with a little bit of disappointment.” He pauses. “Do you know what I love about you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mom and Dad always thought that your head was always in the clouds with fairytales, but I knew you were really always so obsessed with how things should be. It wasn’t that you wanted to be a fairytale princess, it’s that you thought everyone should be a princess- someone who was loved and adored. And it's always so painfully disappointing for you when things aren't the way that you think they should be. So you've tried to shut everything out that could disappoint you. You have to accept that no one is perfect, and sometimes the people you love aren't going to love you exactly how you want them to love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I should just stop expecting things from people?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, keep expecting the best out of people because I know you deserve the best. But when will you learn how to forgive? Forgive Theon for loving me and you and leaving us all the same. Forgive Dad for making you feel so alone and misunderstanding you. Forgive me for not loving you enough. And most of all forgive yourself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sansa lets go of Theon at the end of her second program. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two years later, Jon doesn't hope as hard, but he lets it simmer underneath as he goes on with his life. He heard from Robb that she graduated from the program. He waited and waited for her to reach back out to him, and he's still waiting. He told her he would be okay with whatever decision she makes, so he has to be, even if he's not really. He tries to move on, go on a couple blind dates set up by his friends, but he knows he's not ready yet and apologizes to his dates for wasting their time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So when he hears a random knock on his door one day, he can't help but hope.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knows his hopes have been answered as soon as he opens the door and sees her standing there holding a pie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’s giving him a big grin that he's never seen before on her. He doesn't understand how she can be real, but he lets her into his house anyways, just the same as he did all those years ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I brought pie,” she says, walking into the kitchen to put the pie down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gives her a confused look and responds, “I can see that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's lemon meringue.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grunts in acknowledgement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She continues on, “I wanted to make my new neighbor something.” He continues to look confused at her. “I bought a house by the lake.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The lake is 30 minutes away, and he doesn't really think that qualifies her as a neighbor, but he doesn't say anything on that. Instead he asks, “What are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I got a job as a waitress,” she answers, as if it was the obvious answer. But it's not obvious that this would be what a daughter of the Warden of the North would be doing this far North by the Wall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He swallows his pride to ask, “Did you come here for me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shakes her head no, and he pretends it doesn't break his heart even a little bit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I came for myself, but I was hoping you'd still be here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I didn't wait for you,” he stammers out a lie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gives him a smirk that tells him, and he knows he still sucks at lying. “Good. I'm glad.” Sansa pauses. “So is there a Mrs. Jon Snow?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wants to tell her it could be her, but he knows she's not ready for that, so he only shakes his head no.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then can I ask you to dinner tonight?” she asks, suddenly shy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiles brightly and she mimics it, anticipating his answer. “Yes.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
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